Dear Paul McCartney: Will You Marry Me?

Dear Sir Paul: will you marry me?

I heard that your now ex-wife, Heather Mills, got £700 for every hour she was married to you. Shameful!

Sir Paul, I’m a lot cheaper than that. My usual consulting rate is £5,000 per day, but let’s face it, we all know that’s a retail rate and subject to negotiation.

Here’s what I suggest. If you’ll commit to 12 months minimum along with exclusivity (you won’t marry anyone else during the term of the agreement) we can get it down to around £2,500/day. And let me assure you, Sir Paul: I work a solid eight-hour day. Nor will I charge you for nights and weekends, which I imagine Ms. Mills did.

Overall then, marrying me works out to around 200 days, or a simple £500,000 for the full year. On an hourly basis, that’s £312.50 per hour. That’s less than half of your previous spouse’s rate.

As for all of this talk about traveling A-class or B-class, Sir Paul, trust me: I’m well prepared to travel B-class. You won’t even need to buy me headphones for the airline flights (between you and me, last time I flew I pretended to be asleep when they came around to collect them after the film ended).

Admittedly, this proposal contains some unconventional elements. First of all, yes, I’m a bloke. But I know, Sir Paul, that you experimented a lot back in the late 1960s so perhaps this may not be an unfamiliar scenario. Maybe with Sir Mick or someone? You don’t have to answer; I’m just speculating. But of course, as your spouse, I can assure you your secrets will be safe with me.

Should you want to have children, well I would gladly bear your child if I could – but sadly we both know this would be biologically impossible. I may be able to arrange to subcontract this activity, at cost plus five percent – a very modest mark-up as I am sure you would agree.

I am also well prepared to serve as your creative muse. I imagine that this would involve my sitting there serenely, looking off into the distance somewhere, while you gaze upon me, tickling the ivories and singing as you may be so moved. However, if you have a different idea, I’m open-minded. Perhaps an interpretive dance?

I have some musical ideas too, but let me assure you I’m no egomaniac. I am happy for your name to go first in all songwriting credits. I know how irritating the whole Lennon-McCartney thing was to you. Personally I think it would trip off the tongue more easily if my name were to come first. But really, it’s your call.

I know that you’ve only just resolved the situation with Ms. Mills and the emotions may still be raw. I just want to say, Sir Paul, I understand. I am willing to wait for you. In the meantime, do you happen to have Sir Mick’s phone number?