Earning British Citizenship

The British Government today has proposed new rules for migrants who wish to earn British citizenship.

Luckily my wife, J, and I got in under the wire a few years ago before the issue came up. We didn’t need to pass any tests although we did have to go to one of the newly introduced American-style swearing-in ceremonies.

It was American-style except perhaps for the giant portrait of Her Majesty the Queen serenely gazing upon us. We were required to swear, or affirm (our choice), our loyalty to her – which we didn’t mind much, as she’s a fairly likable old lady.

Under the new rules, migrants will be required to demonstrate proficiency in the language. J and I have got this covered – we already say “trousers” rather than “pants” and when I am in a traffic dispute I instinctively give the two-fingered salute rather than the raised middle finger of my hometown, New York.

Still, it’s useful sometimes to take on a more American tone such as when a taxi bumped me as I was walking in front of Bath Spa station and the driver said something like, “Watch where you’re going, you wanker,” to which I turned around and shouted “asshole!!” in my most disdainful New York accent.

That shut him up, along with the majority of people milling around nearby. It was so easy to do there in Bath Spa, knowing the odds of being shot at for it were so much lower than back home.

While (or whilst) I’m on the subject: although we are now speaking British English, I have to admit that the term “wanker” merely makes me giggle, whereas it’s apparently quite a severe insult to the British ear. Maybe that’s because in New York “asshole” is on the mild end of the spectrum of potential insults and in that context “wanker” almost seems like a term of endearment.

For a while I did have trouble telling "bollocks" from "bollards." This caused some confusion once when I was driving with my business partner M and I cautioned him to avoid bumping into the nearby bollocks.

I have subsequently come to understand that bollocks are really very different from bollards. In this particular case, it is not all much of a muchness, as the Brits would say. Actually, they’re like chalk and cheese. You may want to look them up yourself.

Back to the proposed new immigration law. The Government wants migrants to “prove their worth.” The Prime Minister -- who may or may not be a wanker, depending on who you ask -- argues that migrants should make a “demonstration of commitment” to the UK. They can do this by proving they are “active” citizens, perhaps engaging in charity work or becoming involved in their local communities.

Let’s hope they do not apply this standard to natural-born British citizens, or millions of people are going to need to be cleared out.

Still, it is true that new citizens are often more committed to their adopted country than natives. They are more appreciative of the opportunity afforded them by their chosen home, and they try to make the most of those opportunities.

On this basis, the new proposals are not necessarily a load of bollocks. Or bollards. Whatever.